Words can carry tremendous weight, even when people think they're meaningless or harmless. Over time, some popular phrases can become what kills a marriage. It doesn't happen overnight. Instead, words chip away at the relationship's foundation.
How can you avoid damaging communication and replace it with biblical marriage tips? That journey starts with recognizing harmful phrases in marriage. Then, you can remove them from your conversations and focus on building a relationship with Christ's love at its center.
1. "I deserve better."
While there are times when someone might need to leave a marriage for safety reasons, the phrase "I deserve better" often gets used to dismiss partners instead of acknowledging that people change over time.
If you've said, "I deserve better," think carefully about what you mean by that. Are you keeping score and feeling that you contribute more than your partner? If that's the case, take a step back and remember that marriage is about selfless love.
Even if you're putting in more effort right now, your relationship's dynamics likely shift frequently. If you were struggling, how would you feel if your partner used that against you?
This is a good time to remember 1 Corinthians 13:4-5: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
2. "That's just the way I am."
Saying "that's just the way I am" makes it sound like you're an unchanging person. That isn't true, so it's an unfair thing to tell your spouse. The reality is that people grow and change all the time.
But what if you truly believe that you can't change some of your habits or traits?
Turn to the Bible to test that idea. You'll find ample quotes about how devotion to God leads to transformation.
2 Corinthians 3:18 says: We all who contemplate the Lord's glory are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Galatians 2:20 states: I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
As a Christian, you must accept the power and necessity of change.
3. "You always..." or "You never..."
This is one of the most harmful phrases in marriage because it escalates conflict and discourages reconciliation.
Plus, it's rarely true. Does your spouse always bring up a topic that upsets you? Does your partner never follow through on plans? More likely than not, those statements distort a much more complex reality.
What's a better alternative?
Use "I feel" statements to express hurt without assigning blame. While it's not true that your spouse never follows through with plans, it might be true that you feel like they never follow through. There's a big difference between those statements. Try to speak more honestly and respectfully to create productive conversations.
4. "I shouldn't have to tell you."
Your spouse cannot read your mind. If you say, "I shouldn't have to tell you," you're asking them to know something without talking to you. You're asking them to do something impossible. That can only set you both up for failure.
Maybe something feels so obvious to you that it doesn't seem worth discussing. Despite that feeling, it's unfair and unuseful to think that someone knows what's inside your mind.
Communication is the foundation of every marriage. If you don't work on communicating, you will grow apart and disappoint each other. The harder a conversation seems, the more you need to have it. As long as you focus on forgiveness and patience, tough conversations can make marriages even stronger.
5. "If this doesn't work, we can just separate."
Christians enter marriage after considerable thought and prayer. You cannot take the commitment lightly.
Perhaps this seems like a casual remark. Plenty of people say it offhandedly as if it doesn't really matter. The truth is that it plants seeds of doubt and instability. You might "jokingly" mention a separation, but it's nothing to laugh at. Saying those words opens a door that's difficult to close. It could be what kills a marriage.
As a Christian, you make a lifelong commitment to your spouse. It isn't based on conditional love. Just like God forgives people for falling short, you must also forgive your spouse when they fall short.
Remember what Mark 10:9 says: What God has joined together, let no one separate.
That verse gets said at countless weddings. Make sure you mean it when you commit to your spouse. There are no "outs" when it comes to a lifelong commitment.
Words have the power to build up or tear down. Choose your words carefully so you can build a fruitful marriage. If you've said any of the above phrases, look for honest, encouraging replacements.
A Christ-centered marriage won't happen by accident. It requires work, humility, intention, and love. If you ever feel lost, turn to God's word to find biblical marriage tips.
You can also pray for guidance, especially during your relationship's difficult periods. The next time you feel like saying something hurtful, take a moment to pray together. Here's a good place to start:
Lord, help us speak words that build, not break. Give us wisdom and grace in how we communicate, and may our marriage reflect Your love. Amen.
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